I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
