I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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