I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Found your dick twin last night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
