I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Rumble strips road head = magical
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
