Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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