A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
