Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if only i could text you this smell
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
