I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
where are my eyebrows?
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