just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
