you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
