peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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