My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I look better un-naked...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
