dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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