So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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