my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
