Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
