you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
