i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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