so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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