I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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