The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
