I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My dick has a subreddit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
