There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
