wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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