I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
