I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
