you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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