I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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