just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
