She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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