Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
