I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
