That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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