I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
