woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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