She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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