i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
