I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
