Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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