I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
