So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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