I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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