Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
