did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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