maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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