when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
