She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
