just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
