I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
