My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
